October 6th, 2008

Blake - Pinup: Close

D-Day + 62

 I'm sick of this shit. 

It's been two weeks since the appointment and I've been cowering in a hole like an asshole, afraid to go about my day to day. I'm tired of it, and I'm starting to go stir crazy. All I can think about is what if I get mugged and stabbed, or killed in a drive by. I'm tired of feeling powerless. I want to go home, and sleep in my own bed. I mean I compromised my integrity just so I could keep the place, so what was the point of that if I can't stay there. If Nikki had seen me in these past two weeks, she wouldn't have mistaken me for a hero then, that's for damn sure.

I don't know why, but what she said has been bothering me for days now. "Regardless of subjective morality, certain acts are inherently evil. No one deserves that. You had the power to stop it, so you acted. Even if doesn’t change the world, to me, that makes you a hero." Call me selfish, but I was angry at her at that moment for making me feel responsible. Sure, I was able to stop her from being attacked, but I'm just one guy. Shit like this is going on all the time, all over the world, and its just getting worse every day. She says I could help change things, but it's just too much. Besides, I have my doubts that we as a species is worth saving. Consdiering what we do to the environment, the animals, our neighbors, ourselves, I don't know how we've avoided annihilating ourselves for this long. The world deserves its fate at this point, just let the whole damn thing burn.

God I miss my own bed.